Dealing with sibling rivalry

Do your kids fight over who gets to play their favorite Xbox game? Perhaps they bicker over the TV remote control. Or, maybe they share a car and each wants to use it Saturday night. As a parent, you probably have endured a bout or two (or more) of sibling rivalry.

"It's virtually inescapable," said Mark Batory, MD, a child and adolescent psychiatry fellow at Children's Hospital of Wisconsin.

For most parents, it's reassuring to know they're not alone in dealing with sibling rivalry. It's also reassuring to know sibling rivalry is natural. "Like all normal things in child development, it means there's an opportunity to learn new skills," said Dr. Batory.

Sibling rivalry is conflict. Learning how to cope with conflict is something we all need to do. Dr. Batory says the role of a parent or caregiver is to teach conflict resolution. "If you do it successfully, there will be rewards for both you and your children. If you get stuck, the problem can fester and can slow development in other areas."

Dr. Batory says there are a couple reasons for conflict between siblings. The first is that there's a natural consequence of dealing with limits. For example, there are only so many video games in the house, or mom, dad or caregiver only has so much time and attention. When many people want a limited amount of things, this creates conflict.

Sibling rivalry also can represent a trap for parents. Children may use conflict to get their parents' attention. When conflict arises, parents become engaged and a child gets the attention he or she was seeking.

What parents can do

"When there's a conflict among children, parents need to do a careful evaluation," said Dr. Batory. "Is this an opportunity to teach and let my children learn conflict resolution skills, or is this conflict intended to get our attention?" Intervene decisively. Don't get involved to solve the conflict or to figure out who did what. Parental involvement doesn't teach kids to handle conflict. Also, there can be a lot of blaming and disapproval. Parents may end up expressing too much disapproval. That's not a message you want to give your children.

Evaluating the situation is key, but so is knowing all children are not created equally. Dr. Batory says knowing your children's temperament is important, as is understanding your children's developmental ages. He suggests setting age-appropriate expectations for dealing with conflict and rules in general. Sit down with each child individually and help him or her learn lessons from conflict.